If joy or feelings of happiness were measured on a scale of zero to one hundred, my meter would start at or below zero every single day.

I don’t wake up with positive feelings.

I haven’t since I was a little kid.

Waking up hollow is a part of who I am, at this point.

Some things make it easier to wake up at zero.

Like medications or meditations or other people.

I can control my dreams & manage my emotions & breathe better.

But no matter what I do, I always start at zero.

Never above zero.

Waking up at zero felt like a curse for a long time.

No positive feelings could ever survive my sleep.

Opening my eyes every morning was a nightmare.

I spent years battling depression, anxiety, & suicidal thoughts.

Those things would peak in the morning.

Then the nightmares shifted this year.

Waking up at zero is scary when you tell yourself you’re alone,

when your frame of reference for joy or happiness is just you.

Waking up at zero is less scary when it becomes motivation,

a call to action for sharing happiness or joy with others.

My emptiness has made me a morning person.

Awake at 3am, 4am, 5am so I can lay in bed crippled until 8am.

Thinking, forgetting, praying, stressing …

Working up enough strength to feel above zero.

But my mornings have looked a little different as the nightmares shift.

I’m still awake before the sun rises.

But I’m not thinking, forgetting, praying, stressing …

I’m planning, preparing, hoping, & expecting.

My fears fade away when I’m taking care or thinking of others.

When I can make people feel the ways I wish I could, I’m okay.

So zero becomes my motivation for sharing.

Zero is why I choose to smile & support others.

Zero stops being a disability, but a strength instead.

It can be tacky & inappropriate assuming every person who goes out of their way to share joy are the saddest or feel the emptiest.

This is not always true.

But, for me & my heart, it’s pretty damn accurate.

My emptiness motivates me.

Zero isn’t something I can cure.

But zero is something I can leverage.

I don’t know if I’ll ever wake up with positive thoughts.

I might forever start my days at or below zero.

& this is okay.

I love y’all better because of where I start.

I appreciate & cherish even more when I am above zero.

At every point above zero, I’ve earned my joy.

& I know any joy earned is shared with others.

Even at zero, life is good.

Cheers.