Twenty Eight: 16: Goodness

I've been spending a lot of time with people who are good inside & outside of themselves. It's refreshing.

For a long time I gave people who where bad on the outside but good on the inside, or bad on both sides, most of my attention.

I did this because I was not confident, I was scared, & I needed attention. The last decade of personal growth has been a roller coaster because of these things.

My heart got kinda hard a couple of years into living away from my family. Stress pushed me to a breakdown.

The solution for the hard heart & stress, for a long time, was to chase the exact opposite of what got me to my breakdown.

If dreaming of goodness wasn't working for me, maybe dreaming of badness would work for me.

I grew up a lot because of the badness. I'm thankful for it.

It can be a lot, though.

My favourite kind of badness was the kind found in people with hard exteriors but soft insides.

I didn't have to be bad.

They'd be bad for me.

I didn't have to explain my softness.

They'd understand.

But any kind of badness is exhausting.

& if you're not careful, it changes the shape of you, too.

I stopped letting myself be surrounded by people with hard exteriors & soft insides, exclusively.

I started inviting the bad wholesale - inside & out.

We talked so much sh*t.

About friends. About ourselves. About family.

After years of talking sh*t, it becomes second nature.

You don't even realise you're doing it.

I became rude - even mean.

My peers became even meaner & ruder.

I gave them permission to ridicule me.

I gave them permission to ridicule my family.

They gave me permission to do the same.

They expected me to to do the same.

It was out of control.

It all felt harmless because words & lifestyles don't have immediate casualties.

But, beyond the immediacy, it's catastrophic.

Something in me wasn't good anymore.

Losing the goodness was worse than losing the confidence & attention I thought I had before.

So, instead of deflecting blame ...

Instead of telling everyone I'm right & they're wrong ...

I began holding myself accountable to change.

Publicly & Privately.

I have no interest or energy for pandering to people who tell me who they think I am or expect me to be.

It took time, but I know who I am & want to be.

To become less bad, I had to become more good.

Distancing myself from the bad helps a lot.

Inviting the good again helps, too.

Investing in people who inform my development & enable me to determine who I am & who I want to be is key.

I'm still far from perfect.

I know.

But the bad friends are gone,

the bad coworkers don't follow me home,

the bad family are distant,

& I'm becoming good again.

There is much more peace in ignoring bad things & bad people.

Goodness has been around me most of 2023.

More goodness is on its way.

Be good, friends.

It's worth it.

Cheers.