Twenty Eight: 4. Miss you

I don’t get anxious. I don’t get sad. I don’t stare at my phone waiting on texts or drunk dials at midnight, again. I don’t get worried. I don’t get mad. I don’t stare at the ceiling in silence knowing we’ll never talk, again. I don’t remember me teaching you how to dance. I don’t remember you helping me talk to your dad. I don’t remember grocery shopping, or photo shoots, or falling asleep to movies at 2am. I don’t know how you got me to like my family. I don’t know how our friends got us to act like we did. I don’t know how long drives, and long walks, and long nights took so long to get the best of both of us then. I don’t smile when your name is on a street sign. I don’t laugh when someone laughs like you do. I don’t order two drinks when I’m at the bar just in case you decide to come through, again.

I don’t miss you. Except for when I do.

I’m not nostalgic. I’m not hopeful. I’m not wishful thinking. I’m not wanting to be young again. I’m not asking for any time back. I’m not trying to become something I always thought I was, but never could have been. I’m not spending my energy on things you told me to fix. I’m not mending my broken heart. I’m not letting you cross my mind so I can learn to just move on then.

I don’t miss you. Except for when I do.

I’m not happy. I’m not excited. I’m not finding joy in what you found, far away from us. I’m not comfortable. I’m not calm. I’m not sleeping well with you gone so long now. I’m not letting anyone forget you. I’m not letting myself forget you. I’m not abandoning it all. I’m not still holding on to good memories. I’m not finally letting go of the bad. I’m not making new memories honouring yours, but also letting myself live again.

I don’t miss you. Except for when I do.

#

If you or a loved one are struggling with a death, a break-up, or other relational loss, grief counselling is something you can consider. Ask your health care provider for support in finding a counsellor, or seek quick and affordable assistance now through Better Health: https://tinyurl.com/5fzz2w9d